


nowhere but here

by Antarktica



Series: Run [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Bensler, Bensler-centric, EO - Freeform, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Partnership, Self-Discovery, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 08:50:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14421828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarktica/pseuds/Antarktica
Summary: The first time she runs--she does it deliberately.





	nowhere but here

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be a part of series and the utter predicament of my 2 week binging of SVU, well only up to season 13 for now. But I couldn't keep these feels down any longer so I wrote it.

The first time she runs—she does it deliberately. Gasping for air. Feeling out of breath. Feeling like the air would take her soul away from her the faster she ran. That was fine. 

 

That'd be peace. 

 

Away from here. Anywhere but this suffocating place. Threatening her only inner peace. Olivia knew she had to run. There were too many reasons to. 

 

She didn't need to be here. She does not want to be here. She wasn't wanted to be there. At least that's how it felt. 

 

Olivia Benson runs, as much as she needs not to, she runs because there's an impending amount of grief along the way. A staggering quantity of hurt. Truth. The running chips away at the softest edges of her soul. Every bit of it gets lost in the path she took. She'll never remember to pick them up. No one will even pick up after her. She'd made peace with that. 

 

Her mother never loved her. But Olivia loved her. Olivia longed for the things that will eventually hurt her. Her father was a rapist who'd had a million-dollar excuse and she wished—she wished she never knew about him. As much as it calmed the storm for the mean time, it's bound to raise another one. More hazardous. Stronger.

 

Stronger than her to pull her back from her running. Strong enough to drag her back into her 16-year old unloved self. Crashing and falling nowhere.

 

At some point of her running, she almost forgot how far she went. Then it wasn't far. SVU had done miraculous things for her, to her. Her being here was a daily reminder of who'd she always been.

 

Running away but to the same different places, at unusual points of time. Running. Always running to places eventually designed to hurt her. Nothing remained of her, all those years of running, so it was fine.  _Fine._

 

Olivia Benson was a coward. At some point, everyone was. And probably still is. But this work-- it's heavier than the world could carry (she'd been carrying the world since then). The victims are talking, they're alive, they know they're broken and they need someone. Someone, like how she needed that  _someone_ back then. 

 

She won't run away this time. If she was, it'll be to rescue, to help a victim. That was an oath she swore to when she found this job. All the way from running. She'd finally found herself, at least a part of her.

 

A purpose. She has a purpose now. It was better than having none. It was better than having none  _and_  still being broken. It was better than running away, having no reason to live for, and having fragments for soul instead of a whole. 

 

Olivia Benson may run but she'll never abandon anyone. Never. 

 


End file.
